It is already in the public domain that the marriage of Bill and Melinda Gates of United States of America has hit the rock, after several years of blissful union, with lots of money for comfort. Why do marriages fail, even when there’s money to make the union happy and comfortable? Marriage counsellors would often say that failed marriages are attributable to communication as a major causal factor. Communication gap would mean a situation where two persons rarely understand themselves.
In the domain of communication, there are many mansions of which body language is an enigmatic one. With women in particular, the unseen and unsaid rule their world, of which a majority of men are obtuse and dull in reading women’s body language. The enigma of womanhood caused King Cymbeline of Britain to exclaim: “O most delicate fiend! Who is ’t can read a woman?” From America to Africa, and from Nigeria to Nicaragua, hardly anyone can read a woman accurately. Yet they can be simple and unavoidable.
Women may not always be “delicate fiend” as portrayed by King Cymbeline, but they are deeper than any man would read correctly. Happily, the secret agonies experienced in marital unions are usually not discussed or sold out in public but often borne in silence, by those who drink of that cup of bitterness. In Shakespeares’ Winter’s Tale, we hear King Leonates of Sicilia say: “Should all despair that have revolted wives, the tenth of mankind would hang themselves”. Some men do!
Therefore, the issue of jinxed marriages is not an exclusive Gates’ affair, but a peg to explore what lies behind the phenomenon of marital enigmas. The statement that the unseen and the unsaid rule the world of the feminine sex means that women, among other qualities, have a higher and deeper perceptive ability. Women also have a lighter, more delicate but deeper inner feelings than men are endowed with. Neither can the obtuse nature of men’s feelings penetrate deeper than the surface, unless a woman be handy to point out the way. So, complementarily comes in. Open up!
As a help or mate fit for a man, a woman is not only a wife and potential mother, but also a necessary couplement, so that a union can become a starting point for the affairs of life. Thus a home set up by an adult male and female becomes a starting point for the affairs of life, whereby the couple become one in a joint mission. That joint mission goes far beyond amative activities and raising of children, but includes exploring the issues and challenges of life. Therefore, marital union is not only a joint activity but also a shared responsibility.
The fineness or delicacy of womanhood which is an idiom, is a unique quality which can be abused, distorted and coarsened, if not handled with great care and understanding. The delicacy of the female sex is an idiom because therein lies the secret about the well-being of collective humanity. Hence, the idiom that behind every successful man, there is always a woman. The delicacy of womanhood may also be called a treasure which demands to be protected and guarded diligently.
Twenty-seven years of marriage should be time enough for a couple to know the differences and unique nature of each of them. The period should also be long enough for couples to decide whether or not they are compatible enough to remain together or go their different ways. One good thing about Western culture is the freedom which individuals enjoy, which also demands personal responsibility. Marriages which are unable to hold together are allowed to end, rather than compromise the dignity of the individuals.
A long time ago, a frank and audacious American woman told an open court that her ground for seeking divorce was that she was not being satisfied by her husband. When more details were demanded from her, she said that her husband did not stand for “cunnilingus”, which was what she desired. An African housewife would be ashamed to say in an open court that her husband considers it an abomination to “use his fingers or tongue”.
If the primary purposes of marriage are confined to mating and child-bearing, then the project is a failure. Rather, marriage and family life lay the foundation for addressing the issues, challenges and perplexities of life. It takes the union of a man and a woman, just as the positive and negative phases of electricity, to be able to generate the energy necessary to cope with issues of life. It also takes suitability, complementarity and compatibility between a man and a woman, to be able to have an ideal union or marriage. Unfortunately, the condition of suitability, or matching quality among couples can be quite rare.
To say that marriages are “made in heaven”, is to say that the condition of suitability in marriage is a pre-determined issue of destiny. It is a question of matching qualities between a man and a woman whose origin pre-dates their birth on earth , and whose union complements both. Such suitability or complementarily means that one is destined for the other, in the sense that one complements and matches what the other needs for wholesomeness. Jewish belief system calls this beyond-the-earth mechanism “pairs of opposites”.
Suitable or matching pairs of opposites must unite, thus bringing wholesomeness both in marriage and other associations or combinations. The human chemistry is such that wherever imbalances or incompatibility exist, then there would be instability and friction until separation comes about. Since human destiny is affected by changes brought about by individual volition, no one is subject to any fixity. Individuals get what they deserve, through their volition, choices and strivings; even in marriages.
The fluid nature of destiny also means that provisions are made for the actualisation of such needs and conditions that are strongly felt by individuals. Divorce is one of such provisions to detach oneself from uneven yoke, neither must anyone stay in any bondage indefinitely. Even in the deeper meaning of love, freedom rather than bondage is implied. Thus, it is ethical to free oneself from selfish or bondage-love. Is any human condition permanent? Enjoy what you have while it lasts!

Dr. Amirize is a retired lecturer from the Rivers State University, Port Harcourt.