It is no longer strange hearing young single females declare in strong terms their dislike for mothers-in-law. Some had gone the extra mile to wish themselves the choice of motherless suitors.

Hence, potential suitors of these ones have to contend with the problem of either waiting for their mothers to die before they get their wives or hastening the death of their mothers, if they must marry such ladies.

Why on earth any sane lady would wish to be married to a motherless husband as a criterion for a happy marriage is yet to be established.

On the contrary, almost every mother wants to have grand children. This by implication means that mothers wish that their offsprings get married and raise grand children for them.

Will it therefore be  fair to conclude that these mothers are just concerned about the children that would be raised and careless about the women through whom these children are to be raised?

If no, what then could account for the much ado about mothers-in-law?

Of late, divergent opinions give credence or rather evoke condemnations to the roles often played by most mothers-in-law.

In one home, the presence and words of a mother evoke some degree of honour and reverence and the daughters-in-law have no option than to align themselves to the already existing structure before their adoption as members.

In another, the reverse is the case, the mother-in-law’s presence is considered a nuisance that must not be tolerated if the family must forge ahead, a situation that leaves the sons (husbands) confused with little or no clue on how to solve the puzzle.

Researchers on marital issues have hinged the reasons for these variation in the concept of mother-in-lawship on individual differences, family background and clash of interest.

Mrs Nzokurum Mercy in her book: Marital Bliss: Actors and Factors (2010) writes that the woman by her nature is very jealous and possessive. When married, she wants to dominate her environment, possess her husband to herself, undermining the fact that her husband once enjoyed the care, love and protection of his family before her arrival.

According to Mercy, the mother-in-law who had dominated in her early years of marriage, struggles with much difficulty to understand and perhaps justify if possible why a “strange girl” (daughter-in-law) would come and change the atmosphere  cases she had her son to her back and call.

This conflict of interest has caused men who are not emotionally, spiritually and physically mature to have friction with their parents, siblings nad even spouse.

For Majorie in Family Education, the regular and constant  interference of her mother-in-law in her daily activities is unwanted and speaks volume of her (mother-in-law’s) lack of confidence in her (daughter-in-law) to take decision as an adult. “I can’t do anything without my mother-in-law second-guessing me, she sees me wearing a pink dress and tells me I would look thinner in black. I put a sweater on my son and she insists he needs his winter coat. If I cook with butter, she gives me a lecture about cholesterol. She is always telling me what to do. I’m nearly 40 years old and she treats me like I’m a child.” Majorie said.

Most young wives are obviously of the opinion that their mothers-in-law offer unsolicited advice on any and all cases including issues she is bereft of any experience, hence, they brand such “the know-it-all” mother-in-law. The feeling that they don’t respect the laws of time and space increases their dislike for them.

Aside the fact that a daughter-in-law could be a product of an entirely different family background from that of her husband’s, which is capable of stirring up some form of misunderstanding which only time and maturity can settle, individual differences has also been fingered as a major cause of mother-daughter-in-law dichotomy, as  no two persons perceive things the same way.

However, where these two factors are easily managed, clash of interest had remained a major source of worry. The mother feels “He is my child, I made him what he is, hence I earn his loyalty while my control over him will know no limit”.

For the daughters-in-law “mum has had enough. It is time to handover and step aside for them to occupy”. Privacy is now needed and mum constitutes a third party which ofcourse may not be welcomed. What a tussle for supremacy and relevance?

My worry is that the mother-in-law of today was a daughter-in-law of yesterday, an experience that fully arms her with both the requirements of a daughtes-in-law and those of a mother-in-law with a view to achieving harmony in relationship could it now be said that their effort at trying to relate fine with their daughters-in-law had not yielded the desired result instead they are being misconstrued by those who should enjoy their overwhelming favour?

Mothers-in-law are accused of being highly assertive, refusing to recognise their sons and wives as a distinct entity from them. Some others are alleged to show love only to their sons while seeing their sons’ wives as rivals whose activities and successes must be checkmated at all times.

Daniel .J.  Tomasulo writes in How to deal with Passive aggressive Mothers-in-law . “My relationship with my mothers-in-law is dragging me down. She routinely criticizes, slights and insults me. This is usually done in a sly enough manner that makes it hard to challenge her behaviour directly without feeling as though I’m over reacting …… I think she is jealous of no longer being the most important woman in her son’s life”.

The need to know why a mother-in-law acts the way she does will go a long way to instillsanity in a relationship.

However, while it is obvious that these mothers-in-law do not always know better than their daughters-in-law, in more instances than we might want to admit, their advice is solid, afterall they have had years of experience coping with the problems that face newly weds, settling financial matters, furnishing a home, allocating responsibilities fairly, applying heart to food. In addition they have often dealt with problems of marriage veterans; being the second wife, dealing with step-children and balancing a career and marriage.

Amidst the so-called ‘unsolicited’ advices, criticisms and probably “unnecessary” interference with family structure, same can still be discouraged without having a big confrontation. It is important to always strive to strike a compromise and this can be possible only when you bare your mind, regard and respect her as the queen of your Lord (husband) appreciate her numerous years ahead of you then tolerate her ignorance and accommodate your differences.

Sylvia ThankGod –Amadi