Conditions For A Happy Marriage
No two persons are the same or walk the same path in the journey of life on earth, but we can meet matching companions if we have the good fortune to find them. Robert Louis Stevenson would say that we are all travellers in the wilderness of life; but the best we can find is someone we can call an honest friend. In marital relationship, to find such honest and matching friends, the following ten conditions are vitally necessary, with faith in God for guidance.
Genuine Love between an adult male and female is usually motivated and kindled by a truly heart-felt affinity and empathy; nurtured by some period of close acquaintanceship. Care must be taken to ensure that such love is not fostered by physical considerations such as nice dress, a charming face or some other momentary infatuation. Rather, genuine love evokes some deep feeling of affinity which longs for closer companionship, not based on selfish lust. It does not pander to vices, indulgence, but seeks to ennoble, build up and complement each other.
Loyalty is a strong attribute of love whereby there awakens a personal commitment, conviction and devotion towards lasting relationship. Even where there are competitions and other options, loyalty can make sacrifices without counting losses. Thus there is element of trust in a love that combines with loyalty. Faith grows and sustains loyalty.
Mutual Confidence and Understanding arise and grow where love combines with loyalty, thus fostering harmony in relationships. This condition arises where partners see relationship as an investment, with a strong volition to build up and create lasting values. Justice and honesty give added value to domestic peace and harmony. Tolerance fosters mutual understanding.
Ability to forgive “trespasses”. It is false and wrong to presume that anyone is perfect, having no personal flaws. Neither does it help for anyone to pretend or assume an air of sanctimony. One of the tasks of genuine love is to help a loved one to change and get better, rather than sink further in personal deficiency. Thus the ability to forgive trespasses calls for mutual up-building, through one partner becoming a mirror for the other; to identify personal deficiencies and to correct them on a mutual and complementary basis. Women are better as identifiers and rectifiers of deficiencies, which accounts for the tendency towards nagging; but women’s tantrums can bring about transformations.
Ability to fulfill sex roles. It is a sad but true observation that not all women are genuine women, just as not all men are genuine men. The phenomenon of sex distortion arises from a woman veering into male lifestyle and action pattern, or vice versa. Results of these anomalies manifest in lesbianism, homosexuality, trans-gender freaks and growth of beards by women. These anomalies affect individual blood radiations and hormones which also affect marital relationships. Surely, marriages where there are features of sex distortion or mis-match in sex roles, harmony or happiness would be undermined.
Sharing and caring culture. Empathy is defined as the ability to understand other people’s feelings and problems. Therefore sharing and caring as a domestic culture includes putting oneself in the position of the other partner, rather than pass any judgement without sharing ideas, feelings and problems. The culture of empathy gives a personal touch in relationships, keeping and holding a family together in harmony.
Load-shedding and regeneration. For the purposes of preservation, healing and regeneration of biological and botanical species, there is periodic shedding and renewal of leaves and cells. Any possible threat or obstruction is sensed in advance and changes put in place to contain them; this being an observable immune system we find in nature. Similar system must feature in marital relationship which may be called Sabbath and Jubilees, meant to preserve, heal and regenerate bonds of affinity. There is hardly an easy sail in life, and therefore, during lean seasons, it is necessary to embark on load-shedding, without any feeling of bitterness. Similarly, monotony and boredom should demand planning and taking some regular holiday away from home.
Cultivating a sense of humour. Like local content policy in national economy, an ideal family must cultivate a sense of humour, whereby joys and follies to laugh about should evolve from the grassroots. A two-year-old son told his father that he looked like a “monster” when he had a quarrel with “mother”. That became a family joke whose humour kindles restraint and tolerance. The habit of imitating others or borrowing what is alien and non-indigenous to the family must not be allowed to bring any sad result. An old book titled: The Pleasure of Quarrelling, enumerated the advantages of letting off tension and laughing over irritating experiences. Life of ease and comfort and absence of stress are not determinants of happiness.
Personal discipline. This may also be called self-control, which demands that an individual should learn to hold personal emotions in check, and more so in the domestic environment. Women in particular tend to go out of control when tension and emotions go high, but it would be wrong to ascribe the out-burst of emotions to women alone. In many cases women use their tongues as lashing instrument, but men do worse by their fists for bashing their partners. In every case of mounting tension and emotion, it is advisable to move away momentarily from the scene and source of tension. Personal discipline or self-control also includes addressing those factors and behaviours which cause domestic tension. Cheating in marriage, lavish spending outside when the family is starving and similar wrongs, are often cited as causes of domestic tensions.
Looking together towards a sublime goal. An ancient clergy man reminded married couples that love does not involve two persons looking at and admiring each other, but the two looking together towards a sublime goal which goes beyond mundane issues. Marriage can be boring if there be no stimulus to give additional and regular impetus to it. Neither can such stimulus or impetus be provided by sex and such physical diversions that soon weary and weaken the body. Bringing up children together to become ideal human beings is a sublime task for couples. But when children are grown, that sublime task should extend to a wider human up-building project. It involves humanitarian services, demanding selfless commitment to some high and noble ideals. We must not forget the old idiom which admonishes against being unevenly yoked together with people of different mindset and worldview. In marriage, men should remember that women long for affection, attention and admiration.
Dr Amirize is a retired lecturer, Rivers State University, Port Harcourt.
Who Is Afraid Of Subsidy Removal?
Within a few hours things changed – some marketers shut their petrol stations, the price of petroleum motor spirit (PMS) tripled; transportation fare, food prices soared. It was just a pronouncement by President Bola Ahmed Tinubu during his inaugural speech that subsidy on petroleum is “gone” and the economy and welfare of many citizens took a worse turn.Nigerians are quick to condemn the insensitivity of the government to the plight of the people but the citizens are not any better. Many Nigerians capitalize on any given opportunity to make “quick” money even at the detriment of their fellow citizens. How their actions will affect their neighbours and other citizens is the least of their worries. Otherwise, how come petroleum marketers who were selling petrol at the official pump price of N195,00 or a little above that raise the price to as high as N600, N800 or even N1000,00, depending on the location and filling station, at the mere mention that petrol subsidy will be removed? Why should taxi drivers, some of whom bought fuel at the official price, hike their fares by almost 300 per cent? How can the traders on hearing the announcement triple the prices of the items stocked in their stalls and shops? The worse is that the Nigerian National Petroleum Company Limited who would have come to the rescue of the populace is also a culprit of the same offence. Quickly after the president’s pronouncement and despite the refutation by the government that Tinubu did not say that subsidy removal will take immediate effect, NNPC filling stations adjusted their fuel pump prices to N511,00 per liter.The Managing Director of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation, Mele Kyari, earlier in the week while appealing to Nigerians to stop panic buying of petroleum products, said that there was sufficient supply of petroleum products. One would want to believe that the “surplus” fuel on ground, which apparently is old stock, was subsidised. That being the case, why should the pump price be hiked? What will happen to the excess money realised from this increase?Nigeria is a tough place to live in presently. The disruption the president’s pronouncement has done to the economy, the misery brought to the citizens is unimaginable but Nigerians should not make the situation worse for one another through extortion.
The Governor of Imo State, while addressing newsmen on Wednesday, observed that removal of subsidy was a key point in the manifesto of all the major contenders in the recently held presidential election in the country. He noted that both the candidates of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), the All Progressives Party (APC) and Labour Party (LP) promised to remove fuel subsidy if elected president of Nigeria. That is a fact. Nigerians heard them but failed to reject it at that time. We all hailed it believing that subsidy was the root of Nigeria’s economic woes. Do we then not have a share in the calamity that has befallen the country? The few knowledgeable people who cried out that removal of subsidy would do the nation more harm than good were not listened to. I recall a particular public affairs analyst, Majid Dahiru, constantly insisting that the issue of energy security should not be toyed with. According to him, any country that does not have energy security (availability of petrol, diesel, electricity at an affordable price), cannot prosper economically and is bound to have challenges of peace and security. He and his likes also insisted that most developed countries have been able to attain food and energy security through subsidy because if you do not subsidise the prices will go up, the cost of production will rise in addition to other spiral effect on the economy and the well being of the citizens just as it is currently in Nigeria. Unfortunately, Nigerians were meant to believe that subsidy is injurious to the nation’s economy. The people that should know better, told the masses that only the rich were benefiting from fuel subsidy and that it has no impact on the lives of the poor. Some argued that only the people in the cities were gaining from subsidy because those in the rural areas were already buying the product way above the official pump price. Because of the corruption angle of the subsidy over the years, the inflated cost of the imported product and all that, it just felt like removal of subsidy was a blanket approach to cleansing the system.
Today, we know better. We have seen that the consequences of subsidy removal are more on the poor, low-income earners than the rich. In a viral video on the social media, some motorists queued up at an NNPC filling station here in Port Harcourt on hearing the news of the subsidy removal, hoping to get the product at the old, official price but when the gates of the gas station were opened and the new price was unveiled, none of them could drive in. How many rich people are complaining about the effect of the subsidy removal on prices of food stuff, transportation and other things? The President of the Nigeria Labour Congress, Joe Ajero, has been in the news in the past five days, expressing the displeasure of Nigerian workers over the latest development, insisting that Tinubu must take the country back to where it was before May 29 and that if there must be any form of subsidy removal, government must negotiate with the workers, the market men and women and other Nigerians. That is a good step. Nigerians must insist that the government must work. That means, the government must fix the Nigerian refineries. Government must deal with oil theft, insecurity, corruption and other factors responsible for the country not meeting up with her OPEC quota of 2.4million barrels of oil per day. The government must have the political will to deal with corruption which has kept the nation in this sorry state. Otherwise, there is no guarantee that the money that will be saved from subsidy removal, if it must take place, will not be mismanaged. Most importantly, government should start cutting waste by cutting the cost of governance. The president and the state governors can function effectively without the fleet of cars at their disposal. President Tinubu is said to be one of the richest men in Africa. So, it can be argued that his aim of wanting to occupy the topmost position in the country is not to enrich himself. He has seen it all in life. So, he should make a name for himself by prudently managing the resources of the country for the wellbeing of the citizens.
The president should not be adamant on carrying out any plan, policy or decision that is inimical to the wellbeing of the generality of the people. He should have a listening ear and always consult widely in all his dealings as he promised during his inaugural speech. If the fuel subsidy must go, let it be done in such a way that it will be less painful on the poor suffering Nigerians. He should listen to some constructive advice offered by some well-meaning individuals and groups, which include ensuring that our refineries are operational and or at least waiting for Dangote refinery to come on stream to help keep the fuel price from spiraling out of control. There should be a holistic approach to solving our national problem which should include good governance and appointing the qualified, capable hands into offices. The time for political patronage is over. There must be the assemblage of capable Nigerians from different ethnic groups, religions and political parties with a burning desire to save the nation from further sinking. This way, Nigeria’s economy will blossom and there will be enough money to continue to subsidise petrol and other things that will make the life of the citizens more meaningful and Nigeria a country we can all be proud of.
By: Calista Ezeaku
Principle Of Readiness In Development Process
The principle of readiness has to do with the fact that every human being develops and uses personal abilities, qualities and the free will in ways that differ from everybody else. This would mean that no two persons are exactly alike or the same, both in regards to the use and exercise of personal free will, and perception of issues. People differ widely in every respect, right from the date of birth, in every experience of life and how each one ends. But among the principles and laws of development and progression, are some definite obligations which everyone must bear as personal responsibility.
An Encephalocodal law of growth and development stipulates that every human being is the sum of his cumulative thoughts, past and present. As a man thinks, so is he! For purposes of justice and fair judgement, the time of personal responsibility begins in adulthood. Yet, heredity and trails of natural history cling on. There is also a Proximodal law in growth and development process which stipulates that immediate environment of birth or origin does not come by an accident. Everybody is born when and where he most deserves to be born into, as a most appropriate starting point in life’s journey. No injustice or mistake!
Then comes the personal challenges of an individual having to use, develop and modify the cumulative contents of past thoughts which result in present conditions. Both assets and liabilities must be utilised diligently to forge healthier development, by modifying observed lapses and adding nobler values to present assets. Nobody bears the burdens of another; not even parents!
Individuals and groups of people often make the common mistake of comparing themselves with others and wanting to be like some other person, away from their root specifications. What is meant by root-specifications include the badge of natural history, made up of hereditary factors and cumulative thoughts. Everybody wears this invisible badge of our cumulative past, which determine present postings and experiences. Despite individual differences and peculiarities, there is yet another law which bring people of similar characteristics together in close proximities.
Thus in every human engagements we find that, like birds of same feathers, people of similar proclivities and perceptions, come together to pursue shared interests and values. Divisions and hostilities can arise where differences are wide and not managed effectively, especially where monetary inducements play some roles. We must also understand that the differences among individuals and groups do reflect in values and choices which people extol, which others may find unacceptable. There is no art to find the mind’s construction on the face, we are told.
In politics, like other activities which cut into the life-chances of individuals and groups, there is the likelihood of serious conflicts and disagreements arising. Such conflicts and disagreements get worse and sometimes bloody, where money plays most vital role in power-bargaining. An ideal democracy is fired by ideological conviction, whereby individuals make choices and decisions based on personal conviction. But in a political culture where private gains and “stomach infrastructure”, rather than value-based ideologies, drive the polity, violence, fraud and corrupt practices would thrive.
We cannot deny the fact that there is a growing awareness among Nigerians that politics is more of an economic enterprise of a high stake, than an ideology-driven effort to build up a just society. It becomes obvious that genuine development can hardly take place where the divisions, lapses and differences among the people would serve as tools of power exploit. Politics should be about the development of a nation, rather than the hustling for power, which translates into opportunity for primitive accumulation of wealth.
The principle of readiness in development process would mean that those who hustle to acquire power should have acquired the readiness to use power for diligent and effective development purposes. Such development agenda would be a comprehensive system of up building that must go beyond construction of roads and bridges. A large number of Nigerians know that construction projects usually involve the inflation of contract values as well as “commission” or kick-back connected with political contracts. But any development process which misses out what Paulo Freire called Conscientisation, is a failed project.
The concept of conscientisation demands that all development programmes should be designed to bring about a deep-rooted change in peoples’ perceptions, mind-set, attitude and action-patterns towards some positive direction. Late Julius Nyerere of Tanzania stressed that development should be citizen-based, with the encephalocodal law or thought-structuring having strong emphasis. It does not matter the nature of any development project.
Especially for developing countries, grassroots development process should embrace and focus on the Heard, the Heart and the Hands. The head includes the development of intellectual and intuitive faculties; the heart refers to conscientisation or the development of sound empathy and conscience, while development of the hands refers to productive labour. A nation becomes corrupt and the economy unproductive because of deficiencies in development history.
The principle of readiness in development process as it relates to the citizens, includes the fact that the timing of any project or programme should coincide with the ability of the citizens or groups of value, embrace and benefit maximally from it. This is based on an old admonition of not casting pearls before swine. A lot of well-intentioned projects suffer ignominious failures and waste because of wrong timing of when to introduce and implement them. People should not be given what they are not ready to embrace, appreciate and maintain. You can lead a horse to the stream but you can hardly force it to drink.
Arising from the wide variations and disparities among groups of people, it is hardly reasonable or wise to prescribe the same development menu for every group of people. A more vital aspect of development has to do with mind-set, thinking and value orientation. What economists call scales of preference counts a great deal in the application of the principle of readiness in development process? But politics of greed and myopia seeks to offer same diet for everybody, whereby money takes the position of wise choices based on personal conviction as development abhors a vacuum or one-sidedness.
By: Bright Amirize
Dr Amirize is a retired lecturer from the Rivers State University, Port Harcourt.
Roots Of Nigeria’s Predicaments
After the publication of an article titled: Recolonising Nigeria; (The Tide: Wednesday 10, 2023), an anonymous reader sent a test message, saying some pleasant things. The fact that leadership is at the root of the development or underdevelopment of any nation, is not a far-fetched reality. What many Nigerians are not aware of is the truth that there are usually huge interventions by foreign powers in the politics and other critical sectors of this nation’s affairs. How the mechanism of such interventions operates would always remain security secrets. Real politics!
That an imperfect electoral system throws into leadership positions persons who rarely possess the capacity to lead a complex nation like Nigeria, is a truth which any intelligent person can grasp easily. What would remain unknown to many people is the jinxed mechanism of electoral laws that are foisted on developing nations by internal and external powers and interests. Similarly, who the external powers and interests are, will usually remain nebulous. It is obvious that a faulty structure or foundation would hardly produce anything perfect, as an outcome.
Between November 1966 and May 1967, some foreign powers and interests revealed the abundance of oil and gas deposits in Southern Nigeria, whose result was the repudiation of an “Aburi Accord”. Someone asked: “Why did the British Government, with Russia, its cold war enemy, help the Nigerian Government to fight against Biafra?” Wars are fought or sponsored for political and economic purposes, largely. Real politics!
Therefore, the intrigues, conspiracies and diplomatic plots involved in global political economy are issues which average Nigerians know nothing about. Expectedly, the top echelon of a nation’s military and security institutions constitute impregnable and exclusive cult system, where no intruder can be spared. Similarly, under the cover of national security and national interests, a lot of things can be buried permanently and with an immunity that acts with impunity. Thus an aspect of governance known as a cryptocracy, whose operations are shrouded in secrecy, cannot be ignored as a present reality.
When General Colin Powel, late former American Secretary of State, delivered “Tell Magazine Lecture” in Abuja in 2009, he made some statements that were quite revealing. He and late General Sani Abacha were close friends and it became known that late Abacha had some relationship with foreign governments even before he became a military head of state. The Nation newspaper of June 7, 2009, also published an interview with Prof. Taiwo Ogunlade where Nigerians were told that: “Abacha attended a special school, later to be known as School of Assassins” in the United States which prepared him for the task of becoming the nations’ head of state, many years before he eventually made it”.
Late General Sani Abacha was not alone in the list of top Nigerian military and security personnel who attended special courses in foreign countries or had some relationship with foreign powers and interests. We cannot rule out the fact that foreign powers plant those they prepare and choose to occupy critical positions in developing countries, especially mineral-rich countries.
The Central Intelligence Agency of the United States of America may be an old player in the game of national security, but current competitors in that game are getting really smart. In their book: National Security and the American Society, Trager and Simonie, defined national security as “the part of government policy having as its objective the creation of national and international conditions favourable to the protection and extension of vital national values against existing or potential adversaries”. What are the “vital national values” which every nation seeks to protect and extend?
“Stomach infrastructure” is obviously a basic value for several Nigerians, because, that value represents self-preservation and protection of life. For nations, no matter the level of development or underdevelopment, vital national values, would include security and safety from internal and external aggressions or abuses. We cannot deny the fact that a nation’s political-economy accounts for the aggressiveness with which vital national values are protected against existing or potential adversaries. The history of colonialism and other forms of exploitation have been characterised by moving into new frontiers in the search for vital national values. Application and extension of power!
What we call foreign powers and interests are those nations that have developed the capacity and strategies to protect and extend their national values beyond and outside their own geographical territories. A nation is great and powerful largely through political and economic structures that can make other nations depend on them and also inspire some fear. This is where security and military might combine with modern technology and information to create an awesome influence globally.
While developing nations would not be right to blame all their predicaments on foreign powers, there is a need to ask what have kept backward nations at the mercy of powerful foreign nations. Neither can we say that Nigerians are not patriotic, hard-working and honest; but, on the contrary, the flaws in our public institutions have been deliberately put in place, by clever means. It is true that corruption is a serious predicament in Nigeria, but Goodluck Jonathan told us that corruption goes beyond taking bribes or money changing hands. Politics of wit!
There had been the speculations that many Nigerians holding vital national appointments are “screened agents and moles planted by foreign powers and interests”. It is also alleged in some quarters that “none in this country will in the next decade or two, also ascend the presidency if these foreign powers do not know who you are and have not given their approval”. There is also a theory that “Nigerian money-bags”, many of who made their wealth through criminal means and who had deposited such wealth in foreign banks, had some conditions attached to the “safety of their deposits”. It is a form of “plea bargaining” where you are required to give or do something in return for the protection you enjoy.
Apart from sponsorship of certain activities in the country as a pay-back for foreign protection, there are Nigerians who would not defend vital national values, for fear of some back lash from those who keep their secrets secret. At the end of the day, information is power, for those who use it as vital accoutrement for the protection and extension of vital national values. There are Nigerians programmed to undermine their nations interest, for the protection they enjoy. Foreign powers have secret dozziers of many Nigerians.
There is currently a predatory and exploitative global economic order whereby over 80 per cent of available wealth and resources are controlled and enjoyed by less than 20 per cent of powerful nations. The masses can scramble over the crumbs allowed to trickle down to them. Being the custodians and managers of this economic system, powerful nations have the task of ensuring that no developing nation disrupts or destroys this political-economy. What have been the motives and patterns of management of national borrowings? Why are our refineries not functioning? We grow the economy of foreign powers.
By: Bright Amirize
Dr Amirize is a retired lecturer from the Rivers State University, Port Harcourt.
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