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Dealing With Domestic Abuse

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We are tired of cases of people maiming, beating and subjecting to hunger, or all manner of hardship, people they are obligated to love and protect. Some cases appear so bizarre that one is forced to ask if the perpetrators were actually in the right frame of mind at the time of the act.
When people talk about domestic abuse,they often focus on domestic violence. Domestic abuse has to do with any attempt by one party in an intimate relationship, or marriage, to dominate and control the other. According to Dr Humphrey Amadi of ‘ Help Guide To Mental Health And Welness’, whether abuse or violence, the purpose is basically to gain and maintain total control over the other.
An abuser uses fear, guilt and intimidation to wear down a victim and keep same under control. While abuse remains no person’s portion, it occurs across all ages, ethnic backgrounds and all social levels as well as all sexes, especially verbal or emotional.
From threat and verbal assault, an abuse could escalate to violence. Physical injury poses the most obvious danger, this is worsened by the emotional and accompanying psychological consequences.
Abusive relationships do not only lead to anxiety and depression, it also destroys self worth, leaving victims lonely and helpless. Prof. Nkem Agbaso of the Department of Guidance and Counseling, University of Uyo, once declared that ‘ no one wishes to endure such kind of pain’.
For Dr. Nikki Williams, a psychologist, when a partner becomes unussually fearful of the other, to the point of feeling like walking on egg shell around him, constantly watching what to say or do in order to avoid being attacked, it is indicative of a relationship prone to abuse.
Dr Williams enjoins couples to look out for occasions when a party in a relationship begins to despise the dignity of a mate, to the point of exerting supremacy, and a feeling of self loathing, helplessness and desperation. It could also take the form of being afraid of one’s partner, avoiding certain topics for fears of annoying a partner. She warned.
According to the psychologist, being a victim or merely witnessing a scene of domestic abuse in childhood, can turn one aggressive in life. Such behavior could as well be learned while growing up in a family with abusive parents or relatives.
It is important to note that stress and aggression occasioned by economic problems, often lead to domestic violence. A high level of unemployment contributes to the point that people quarrel in families due to lack of basic needs.
Again, alcohol and narcotics have also been fingered as factors triggering domestic abuse. Most people who are addicted to the above hardly control their abusive instinct. Unfortunately, alcohol and other related drugs are wide spreading in Nigeria, a reason why domestic abuse and violence have become common.
Even where alcohol and other drugs are in short supply, some pockets of psychological disorder as a result of long period depression, could still produce violence. This is why it is important that people care about what family members or partners in relationship go through.
Excessive suspicion, distrust and jealousy cannot be exonerated from the catalysts of domestic abuse. Most break-ups in relationship today, are courtesy of it. Above all Dr. Williams warned that whoever wishes for a lasting happy relationship, must in addition to being wary of all so- outlined, guide against anger.
Dr. Angella Amadi, a psychologist, identified physical violence amongst couples in Nigeria as most worrisome. It includes beating, slapping, rape, murder, kicking, rejecting to eat, not willing to shoulder responsibilities, and denying partners sex at will. She also identified acid baths as a form of violence which has received a lot of attention in Nigeria. Sexual violence in Nigeria largely goes unreported because of the burden of proof necessary for conviction as well as social stigma it brings. The common loss of Women’s rights upon marriage in sub-Sahara Africa and the implicit obedience and deference towards men is socially encouraged in the society.
Dr. Angella stated that infertility is a serious problem as over 40 percent of women who visited her for counseling often complain bitterly about their husbands unruly behavior in relation to infertility. The perceptions of domestic violence varies based on religion, and class. The Tivs see wife battery as a sign of love “ that should be encouraged. She said: “if you are not yet beaten by your husband, then you do know the joy of marriage, meaning you are not yet married.” All the major ethnic groups in Nigeria have a strong patriarchal societal structures that lead to justification of domestic violence as inherent right of a husband. In her study in the nation’s capital Abuja, she explained that while domestic violence is a violation of fundamental human rights which the Nigerian constitution is against, there are still provisions that tend to legalise it. The provision of the Penal code application in the Northern part of Nigeria specifically encourages violence against women. Underneath its provisions, the beating of a wife for the purpose of correction is legal by the use of (section 55 (1) (d) of the penal code.
Dr. Martins Oyeyidah, a medical consultant proffers solutions to reduce domestic abuse and violence in Nigeria. “The first step to action is to familiarize individuals and the community with the possible signs and indicators of domestic violence.” These signs can vary and do always come with physical symptoms because domestic violence is not just limited to physical attacks such as beatings. Domestic abuse also affects every level and demography in society. So there is no typical victim despite the stereotypes. Someone who may not appear to be a victim of domestic violence may well be suffering in silence.
Nigerian women should rise to the occasion and support the home by engaging in activities that will bring productivity in the home. More than one-third of women and one in 10 men have experienced intimate partner violence in their life time, according to the National intimate partner and sexual violence survey.
Sometimes violence begins early in a relationship and other times it takes months or years to appear. It could be the jealous type, being jealous of your friends or time you spent outside.
“The lack of discussions of domestic issues creates a space in which an ostensibly socially unacceptable behaviour becomes allowable and even common place. Because conversations about domestic violence are off limit. Many women do not share abuse incidents with anyone. The taboo surrendering domestic violence discussion and accurate data reporting. It will be necessary to remove the stigma around domestic violence”, Dr Martins maintained.
He further suggested that this can be achieved through the creation of government -sponsored community programmes that directly address physical and psychological violence.
Mr. Frank Domino, a psychologist at a health Centre in Rumuigbo, Port Harcourt, observed social structure as the disparate status between men and women, as men have higher status in Nigeria than women. He stated that women should break out of traditionally engrained gender roles and expectations. With an increased sense of status, Nigerian women will no longer be bound to expected roles acquiescence. Given a voice, women will be able to challenge the established differences in status between men and women.
Igbe is a Freelancer in Port Harcourt.

 

Emeka Igbe

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Women Rights Group Preaches Accountability, Transparency

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Kebetkache Women Development and Resort Centre, a women rights organisation, has taken a bold step to promote accountability and transparency in order to address issues of corruption as they affect women accessing social services.
The Executive Director, Madam Emem Okon in an interactive workshop session with the International Corrupt Practices Commission (ICPC), the Police and other anti-corruption agencies, organised by the body, on the topic: “Gender And Accountability: Promoting Ethics And Integrity,” recently, in Port Harcourt, called on Nigerian citizens to promote ethical standards, accountability, transparency, and integrity so as to engender peace and progress in the country and society at large.
She said that in order to put an end to the high level of corruption in Nigeria, every citizen needs to conduct themselves in an acceptable manner worthy of emulation and commendation, while calling on anti-corruption agencies as well as the media to intensify efforts as much as possible at building consciousness in that direction.
In her response to if it is only women that suffer corruption and social vices in the society, she said: “Of course we know that it is not only women that require social services: such as quality education, functional health facilities, access to clean drinking water.”
She expressed optimism that if every individual in the society begins to address the issue of corruption internally, there would be hope that in the soonest, it would be a thing of the past.
She charged that everyone need to know what is expected of them, noting that some people are made to feel that they are stupid, weak and don’t know what they are doing when trying to promote transparency and accountability, which ought not to be.
“So people need to be encouraged that it is good to have integrity, it is good to be ethical in your profession. I want to charge participants to take the message home that there is hope as there are institutions that are still upholding integrity,” she said.
She called on both leaders and citizens to have a change of attitude, mindset, behavior in whatever they find themselves doing, adding that their actions should be able to build good governance and better society and not to mar it.
“I am not only calling on leaders, but on every citizen, because people takes bribe, because somebody gives bribe, so am calling on everybody to change attitude, mindset, behavior, so that we can have good governance. If we don’t have good governance, we cannot have those services that make life meaningful.
In his paper presentation titled: ‘Entrenching Principles Of Ethics And Integrity In The Workplace,’ the Guest lecturer, a member of the Independent Corrupt Practices Commission, (ICPC) facilitator, Mr Aveyina Peter defined ethics as those moral principles that control or influence a person’s behavior, or the rule or standards governing the conduct of a person or members of a profession.
Peter also defined integrity as simply “doing the right when no one is watching or the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles,” adding that without integrity individuals are untrustworthy.
Peter stated that ethical frame-works are those constitutional laws set out to checkmate activities of individuals, private, as well as public office holders and where the need arises, prosecute any airing member of the society that abuses his/her office.
He explained that public office is a position of stewardship for which an account must be rendered as it is a public trust as well as a national service for which an oath or pledge is made as a sign of responsibility and obligation to the people being served.
Talking about common forms of ethical risks, he advised that people guide judiciously against such risks, adding that ICPC has continued to surmount all those risks to maintain her integrity.
Peter itemised common forms of ethical risks as non-compliance with rules and regulations, conflict of interests, leakage of confidential information, unorthodox recruitment, compromised procurement, favouritism in training and promotion and abuse of office.
He stressed that if people adhere to rules and regulations and boldly doing the right things always, the society would be a better place for all.
The ICPC facilitator emphasised that ethics promote and preserve the well-being of members of the society as well as guide public servants in carrying out their official duties in order to achieve a united, peaceful and progressive nation, whose social order operates on the ideals of freedom, equality and justice.
He said: “It is the duty of every organisation in the public service to align its corporate behavior with the national ethics and goals.
He maintained that integrity in workplace fosters a positive workplace culture, stressing that organisations known for integrity perform better and as well gain more patronage from members of the society.
Also speaking, a Board member, Kebetkache Women Development Resort Centre, Chief Constance Meju commended ICPC for a well packaged lecture on corruption, describing it as a very welcome development, especially as everybody is crying that corruption is on the increase .
Meju stated that everyone needs to really understand what needs to be done and who needs to do what, noting that one of the things that need be done is first of all, everyone must have to check themselves as individuals in order to know how they are contributing to corruption and have a retrace upon realisation.
She condemned the act of over demanding which she said encourages people to take what does not belong to them.
She stressed that peace and progress cannot be achieved in a nation where there is injustice, noting that in order to achieve peace and progress, everyone must imbibe very high level of ethical standards in their day to day activities.
Meju charged public and private office holders to maintain high ethical standards in the discharge of their duties, while also calling on the anti-corruption agencies to ensure there is no sacred cow, but ensure that corruption check is on all.
Noting that Nigerian leaders are servants, she charged them to serve the interest of the nation first and not their own personal interest.
Meju added that they should also remember that they are in position of power because people put them there and as such they are accountable to the people, adding that they make themselves ready to answer questions, operate an open door policy and be transparent to the people.
She appealed to Nigerian leaders to lead the way that the people should go, noting that leadership is ‘do as I do not do as I say’.
According to her, “Nigerian leaders must ensure that all the sectors function optimally by releasing the needed money that should go to all the sectors as well as ensuring that the people use money judiciously for the purpose it is meant. Everybody should do what is expected of them. If you are in the power sector give us light, if you are in the education sector upgrade our schools, so that we don’t need to send our children out to study abroad. Let everybody go to school here and have quality education.”
Meju maintained that education is very vital and as such it is important to check and monitor what is happening in the educational sector, adding that there is so much corruption as teachers are not teaching the students, thereby making them come out half-baked and as a result can’t defend their certificates which in turn makes the future blink.
She said: “In future we may not just be talking about corruption, we need to make our children employable, we need to make them people that can compete favourably with people from other parts of the world.”

 

Susan Serekara-Nwikhana

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Group Spoils 600 Ikwerre Widows In Rivers

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Over 600 widows recently received the goodwill from the Ikwerre Community Association of California, United States of America as part of the group’s mandate.
Tagged, ‘Ikwerre Widows Project’, the association reached out to the widows in Rivers State as a way of putting smiles on the faces of the widows and other less privileged women from the Ikwerre ethnic nationality.
To this end, members of the association recently visited widows in Rumuewhor and Eli-Brada Communities all in Emohua Local Government Area of Rivers State with food items.
Presenting the food items to one of the happiest widows in Rumuewhor, the association’s representative in Rivers State and Coordinator of the group, Dr Christiana Chukumati, said that the association remains sensitive to the plights of the less privileged in the society, especially the poor widows.
In an interview with The Tide at Eli-Brada Community, Dr (Mrs) Christiana Chukumati said the yearly visit to Ikwerre widows in their various communities was designed to demonstrate the determination of the association to give back to the society, adding that the gesture had been part of ways the Ikwerres in California positively give back to the society.
your father or mother, you have killed your past life. If you kill yourself, you have killed your present life but if you kill children you have killed your future, so if they are not properly guided on time, they will go astray”.
Maintaining that education is key to developing the society, she remarked that if these children are engaged in meaningful ventures, the society would be free of crime, kidnapping and criminality, for an idle mind, she said, is the devil’s workshop.
She therefore, advised parents and elders to collectively put their efforts together to train up children in the way of God so as to attract peace and harmony among the people of the community. She reiterated that it is only when good training is given to children, that youth restiveness, crime and criminal activities are curbed in the society at large.
While she appealed to Ikwerres in California not to relent in their God-given-vision, she called on well-meaning individuals in the state and country at large to emulate the gesture and replicate same to other widows, as well as build up Rivers State instead of helping to run it down
Also speaking, another California representative in Rivers State, Pastor Constance Walker, who commended the efforts of Ikwerre brothers and sisters in California at keeping the initiative afloat since its inception, charged the beneficiaries to undertake meaningful ventures in order to maintain their dignity and be able to cater for their children.
Citing Proverbs 22:6, the cleric enjoined widows to seek God’ wisdom in the training of their children so that when they are old, they will never depart from it.” She thanked the leaders of the two communities for the warm receptions accorded them.
Walker stressed on the need for women to be calm in times of trouble and pray for continuous peace in their communities in order to engender development, nothing that Ogbakor Ikwerre in California would do all they can to continuously support widows if peace continues to exist in Ikwerre communities.
One of the widows, Mrs Mary Okpara, in tears, commended the initiative, saying it is a good thing for the rich to remember the poor, especially at celebration season, but regrets that they have hardly received anything from anyone except from Ogbakor Ikwerre California.
She said: “This is the first time we are witnessing this kind of gesture, where widows who have been forgotten are remembered for good and given hope. God must bless this our people in California.”
Beneficiaries could not hold back their joy as they thanked and prayed for their people in California and their representatives in the state.
Also speaking to The Tide, one of the beneficiaries and leader of the widows, Mrs Wikpe Josephine, thanked the Ogbakor Ikwerre in California for putting smiles on their faces and prayed that God continues to preserve and keep them alive to do more for them.
In her reactions, the coordinator of the widows, Mrs Helen Njigwum, said she was so glad that she could comfortably say that the days of begging during Christmas was over and extends her good will message to those in California, praying that celebration departs not from their households.
Another beneficiary, Mrs Happiness Ebulu recounted how she had been through rough times to the point that family meals was difficult to achive.
The Tide observed that in the two communities visited, the beneficiaries could not contain their joy as they broke into singing, jumping and dancing around the California representatives to express their gratitude.
In their separate reactions, the Nyeweli Rumuowhor, His Royal Highness (HRH), Oha Ikechi Igbukwu, expressed joy over the kind gestures shown by brothers and sisters in California.
Igbukwu added that the gesture was a welcome development, remarking that the visit availed the widows another opportunity of togetherness as well as put smiles on their faces.
He noted that he was excited when he received their letter on the planned visit to Rumuwhor, adding that the food items given to the widows was a big relief for Rumuowhor leadership.
Also in his response, the Acting Paramount Ruler of Eli-Brada, Ohar Abel Obilor, thanked the group for remembering widows in Eli-Brada, wishing that they do more. He prayed that God enlarge their coast to continue to reach out to the poor in the society.

 

Susan Serekara-Nwikhana

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Promoting Beauty In Traditional Attires

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It is often said that women are more conspicous when it comes to fashion. This is so because they take out time to match colours to suit any occasion. Call it child dedication, wedding ceremonies, thanksgiving of every calibre, women are careful enough to select fabrics and colours that leave admirers wondering what heavenly creation is manifested on earth.
Due to the special attention they attach to fashion at every given moment, women have carved a niche for themselves as better handlers of fashion than their male counterparts. Today, you can hardly identify the true cultural background of some ladies by their attires.
The liberalisation culture of the fashion industry may have aided in the cross breeding attitude recently embibed in the fashion theatre, thereby enabling access to all into originally customised and traditionally based styles.
Leveraging on the current trend in the fashion world, Chioma Ubor (alias ADA OC), who recently tied the traditional nuptial knot with her heartthrob, Pastor Promise Nsiegbe, both of Ikwerre background, decided to do it the Kalabari way.
In her deep dark complexioned skin, every onlooker would have adjuged Chioma Ubor to have either hailed from Kalabari or Abua. Her emergence in a Kalabari attire on her traditional wedding helped to confuse her audience the more into believing that the Omerelu-born Ikwerre daughter was actually a Kalabari.
Although the choice of her traditional wedding attire added colour to the event, for Chioma, it was not just about the dressing, but an opportunity to showcase the rich cultural heritage of Rivers State. Ofcourse, as a fashion designer, being a practitioner in the industry with over a decade experience, it was not a difficult decision to make.
To some people, it is fashion on the parade, if not, why should a typical Ikwerre woman be donned in riverine attire on her traditional wedding day? But for others, it is an advent of urban life to the rural area, or a mere display of her talent as a designer.
However, such pattern of dressing, according to her, was to encourage unity in diversity.
She further explained that fashion is another modern peace weapon with the centrifugal force to bind people together.
She explained that the dynamism associated with fashion is another reason why no particular people or group could claim total ownership of any fashion and its design.
She believed that those who bother to claim ownership of any fashion may have in one way or the other copied it from another tribe centuries ago.
Come to think of that, several tribes in the country have a way of respecting or showing love to any one donned in their respective traditional attires, should such be sighted at any place other than their place of origin.
She explained that for those in business, being cladded in other’s traditional attires has a special way of attracting customers in a systematic way. The fashion designer cum stylist, reasoned that such “intentional mistake”, has the power to bring customers.
In her definition of fashion, Chioma said: “It is any dress style that could give the individual the needed fitness or match, irrespective of the season.”
For her, fashion must not necessarily mean that which is en vogue and worn by sundry members of the public, but that which can give or put the wearers in a relaxed frame of mind each time they are donned on it.
Imagining the exorbitant price of materials and its designs in recent time, Chioma charges ladies, especially brides in the making to consider their financial strength before deciding on a particular style of traditional or white wedding attire to make.
The Ada Omerelu (now Ada Rumuwoji), refused to support the idea of postponing occasions like traditional weddings or child dedication ceremonies on grounds of inability to afford a choice or ‘reigning’ material to match the occasion.
She said such has a way of discouraging men, who, she said are impatient. For her, the best approach to adopt, is to embrace the situation and take bold step by appearing in the very available material or fashion.
Chioma, the designer of her own traditional wedding attire, calls on young ladies to make themselves available and indulge in those trades that have the capacity to address some immediate/ daily need of the family.
She pointed out that her family could not spend much in sewing, since there is a ready hand in the family. Citing children’s school wears, Christmas and other festivities, she said that the only thing that will drain the family funds is the purchase of the materials.
She maintained that funds are the basic tool needed for family growth and so, must be jealously saved or frugally spent. The stylist further called on ladies to embrace the fashion industry, due to its juicy nature.
In our own clime, adorning oneself in traditional attire is gradually becoming an issue of cross pollination. People dress in traditional attires regardless of cultural background.
Those days, it was rare to see a northerner donned in any attire apart from his or her known traditional attire. But today, it is a common sight to see a southerner fully cladded with northern traditional attire and vice versa, as if to say, “I won’t be left behind”.

 

King Onunwor

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